It’s been quite a couple months. I have been horrible with my promise of blogging regularly. So much has been going on in the past month and a half emotionally and with things outside of my control, which have left me frustrated.
I mentioned before that my bipolar was kicking in. I tried for a while to get through it all without going back on an antidepressant. I was off one for over six months and went back on one today. I was laying in bed a lot, not even watching tv, going to bed at 6 or 7pm and chalking it up to my migraines. I thought that if I got away for a week I would feel better and get out of my rut. I went to San Francisco and visited a good friend and had an amazing week! Then I got back, and found myself really depressed again. So…
Another strain is that I’m looking for a place to live in New York on my limited budget, and it is extremely difficult because most places require 40x your income and a high credit score. Because I was sick, I didn’t have utilities in my name for three years, so I don’t have a credit score, even though I have a line of credit, and I definitely don’t get make 40x the rental cost.
Starting over at 38 is hard. I know that things happen the way they should, and that timing is everything, but it doesn’t make it less frustrating.
On the book front… I have gotten some agents rejections, but some have been personable and not standard. They have said really nice things about the chapters I submitted. I continually get good reviews on goodreads and Amazon (FYI to other Amazon authors… they have pulled as well as not posted reviews from my book’s page. I don’t know if it’s a random IT thing or what, but it’s annoying.) I did get a 1 star review but it was hilarious, especially when I read the person’s profile. I didn’t fit into her genres, so of course I wasn’t her cup of tea. It also made me feel validated. Even Harry Potter books have 1 star reviews! Long and short, I need to put in work again because I slacked off and I need to promote, look for an agent and fine new avenues to get readers.
I hope all of you are doing great! Thanks if you read all of this!
In Should I have Told You That?: A Memoir, Liz Lea doesn’t pull any punches; she sets the tone for this early on, writing that her grandmother hated her, and it was mutual. The book is written in a chatty tone, kind of like you might expect if you sat down with someone and they were regaling you with tales of their adventures (not to mention misadventures). The short chapters help make it easy to read.
The author shares her struggles with multiple health issues, in particular bipolar disorder and chronic severe migraines (and throw in some hypothyroidism for good measure). These had a significant impact on her level of functioning, and led to major changes in her life compared to the escapades of her early 20’s. She shares about her multiple hospitalizations for bipolar disorder, as well as the long and difficult road, involving countless ER visits, to…
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I had a really stressful weekend and yesterday it caught up with me. My bipolar rarely comes out in me and if it does its for one day a month, and so far, it is creeping on two days. I am cycling. Yesterday I was depressed. I woke up with a migraine at 4am from stress, and was at the Emergency Room by 730am. By the time that I got home I was in bed for the rest of the day. Halfway sleepy from meds, and the other half of me was lonely because I had two friends that promised that they would help me promote my free book weekend that did not. All they had to do was share my post!
If you are not familiar with how Amazon works, you only get five days a year to let your book be available for free, so this was a BIG weekend for me. And both of these people are good, old friends. One is even a writer himself! I really feel the loneliness of being the only person I know that is single, without out a longterm significant other or kids. This entire weekend feels like you have to either be fucking someone or have given birth to a child for someone to really care about you.
It’s 11am and I have already went online shopping… that’s my mania. I do not need to be shopping. I am just so angry. I did not want to talk to either of those people, and I did not even talk to anyone yesterday, and I don’t really feel like it today either. I even tried to call by best friend this morning, but she is too busy with her boyfriend.
My book downloads were horrible in comparison to last time, and I thought that they would be doubled because I had two books out for free. I feel so unaccomplished and shitty about it. I have been sending my info and samples to agents repeatedly, with a few denials, which I get because it’s a match game. But overall, I feel like I am in a helpless spot and no one (except a few of you, whom I don’t even know personally that reposted my book info-Thank You!) is not helping me because everyone else is more important. My parents are very supportive, but lets face it, were adults and need more than our parents.
To summarize I feel really shitty, and like I can’t get out of a hole and my moods are cycling. I don’t need my antidepressant because I know that it is temporary, and once my money from a settlement comes through (which is delayed from the govt. by months) I can move to a new city, which has been planned for years and be in a better place emotionally, and physically. I will be in a position to make friends and socialize again because here I am totally alone. Anyways. Sorry to unload, but I had to somewhere, I know you guys get in the same headspace. Oh, and Fuck It All (FIA)