Hi Guys,
I had a really stressful weekend and yesterday it caught up with me. My bipolar rarely comes out in me and if it does its for one day a month, and so far, it is creeping on two days. I am cycling. Yesterday I was depressed. I woke up with a migraine at 4am from stress, and was at the Emergency Room by 730am. By the time that I got home I was in bed for the rest of the day. Halfway sleepy from meds, and the other half of me was lonely because I had two friends that promised that they would help me promote my free book weekend that did not. All they had to do was share my post!
If you are not familiar with how Amazon works, you only get five days a year to let your book be available for free, so this was a BIG weekend for me. And both of these people are good, old friends. One is even a writer himself! I really feel the loneliness of being the only person I know that is single, without out a longterm significant other or kids. This entire weekend feels like you have to either be fucking someone or have given birth to a child for someone to really care about you.
It’s 11am and I have already went online shopping… that’s my mania. I do not need to be shopping. I am just so angry. I did not want to talk to either of those people, and I did not even talk to anyone yesterday, and I don’t really feel like it today either. I even tried to call by best friend this morning, but she is too busy with her boyfriend.
My book downloads were horrible in comparison to last time, and I thought that they would be doubled because I had two books out for free. I feel so unaccomplished and shitty about it. I have been sending my info and samples to agents repeatedly, with a few denials, which I get because it’s a match game. But overall, I feel like I am in a helpless spot and no one (except a few of you, whom I don’t even know personally that reposted my book info-Thank You!) is not helping me because everyone else is more important. My parents are very supportive, but lets face it, were adults and need more than our parents.
To summarize I feel really shitty, and like I can’t get out of a hole and my moods are cycling. I don’t need my antidepressant because I know that it is temporary, and once my money from a settlement comes through (which is delayed from the govt. by months) I can move to a new city, which has been planned for years and be in a better place emotionally, and physically. I will be in a position to make friends and socialize again because here I am totally alone. Anyways. Sorry to unload, but I had to somewhere, I know you guys get in the same headspace. Oh, and Fuck It All (FIA)
I feel so sad using that term “weekly”! This is unfortunately my “Migraine Season” so, my weeks are spent in and out of the Emergency Room. Surprisingly though, I get a lot of work done for my book when I am there because it is so quiet in the room, and I can block out all sounds with my ear pods in listening to chill music while I wait to see the physicians and nurses, and wait to get my meds. Of course, there is also the hours waiting to get a room. More surprisingly, they don’t give me weird looks when I have my MacBook out and they walk in while I am typing because they know that I cope by putting my mind’s focus on something else until I can get medicine. And let me tell you today I have a killer migraine, and would much rather be there now, but I do not want to leave my house!